The Tryst
Last month I had sex with a man I barely knew. I told him that in order for me to say “yes” he’d have to call me later that day and a few times the following week. These are my baseline needs for sexual aftercare. He said he would.
He did call later that day; it was a short, friendly conversation. I never heard from him after that.
The Emotional Hangover
The first ingredient of the cocktail of emotions I felt as the days went by was the old sadness of abandonment. The existential hole-in-the-soul that still is with me after all these years. Daddy pain. Add to it a jigger of contempt for myself:
You were used
You sold yourself out
What did you expect?
I’ve asked myself some hard questions. Why was I in such a rush? What was I so desperate to get? It wasn’t physical need – we didn’t have amazing chemistry. So what was it?
I wanted a dose of human connection and togetherness. When we were intertwined, there was a moment when I opened my eyes and I saw him there – a fellow being in a complete state of joy. He was positively giddy afterwards, full of warm words and enthusiasm for life. That’s a fun ride to be on with another person.
Whatever his reasons were for not being in touch – it doesn’t matter. What matters deeply is that I didn’t know him well enough to confirm that I was in good hands, and I deserve better than that.
After six years of recovery in sex and relationship programs, I’d like to believe I’ve left that bit of human suffering behind. Sigh.
At least I have the tools to re-set myself spiritually.
Abstinence
I’ve committed to an abstinence from sexual intercourse for the next four weeks. It’s time for purification and reflection. I’ve borrowed a really good accountability technique. If I break my abstinence I will have to pay $100 to two of my supportive friends. They’ll hold me to it!
So far this abstinence is great. I feel safe from my own impulsive, unfortunate decisions. I’m also enjoying an inner quiet.
Due to the tradition of anonymity, I can’t claim to have attended any particular 12 Step program for relationship or sex issues. What I can tell you is that there are a bunch of them out there. Here are a few:
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| Co-Dependents Anonymous |
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| Sexual Compulsives Anonymous |
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| Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous |